Dating white men

Most of you know that I grew up in a majority white neighborhood (at least it was at the time) in the suburbs, went to a white college, been in all-white workplaces (yes, plural), etc. I like white people and white people like me (most of the time, haha). BUT, when it comes to dating, I STRONGLY prefer black men. I’ve been on dates with several white guys over the years, a couple multi-racial guys, an Asian, a Hispanic… but for me, there is nothing like a black man (preferably chocolate).

Unfortunately, as I get older (and especially since moving to NY last year) I’m finding less and less black men that interest me or are interested in me. Increasingly, however, I’m socializing w/ whites and am getting more date requests from white men.  Out of boredom, curiosity, and (sometimes) actual interest, I go on dates with them, but have never had a white boyfriend. My aunt recently predicted that I will marry a white man. I guess time will tell. A few things I’ve noticed (generalizations of course):

White men like to be seen with you

I love getting out of the house, going to events, dressing up, and being social.  Nothing like a dude saying “Why don’t you/I just come over and we can watch Netflix” to turn me all the way off. Or when a guy wants to see me but has absolutely no idea what he wants to do or where he wants to go. Make a decision! Have you never planned a date?  I have NEVER had this problem with white men. If anything, I have had white men CONSTANTLY trying to take me to dinner, movies, plays, concerts, etc. and were bugging me incessantly. I’m a Leo and a female so of course the attention is nice, but I don’t want to see you every day.  They do get points for being attentive, being willing to spend money, and being willing to do things that are “outside the box.” I also find them to be very affectionate in public, and too affectionate too soon. No bueno.

Racial/cultural issues are guaranteed to come up on the date

Here’s where things get annoying, and is the number one reason that I am skeptical at my aunt’s prediction.

How about my most recent white guy date, where we started talking about conspiracies, which led me to bring up Malcolm X. This white guy did not know the historical and cultural significance of Malcolm X, had no idea why he should learn about Malcolm X, and had never been taught or sought out information on Malcolm X. I proceeded to give him a brief history lesson. At a bar. On our first date. He also had never heard of Marcus Garvey.  It’s kind of like trying to talk to a foreigner who doesn’t know American cultural references, vernacular, etc. You can teach them, but it causes you stop, reframe your thinking from conversational to educational, and proceed slowly so you don’t confuse them.

Another first date with a white guy where he randomly wanted to discuss why black people can say n**** but white people can’t. Really? I knew the date had taken a bad turn when he said “I’ve always wanted to ask this…”

Another first date with a white guy during which I made a comment about most people our age having at least one kid by now, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Claimed that none of the girls he meets have children. I was skeptical, then remembered what color his skin is and what tax bracket he grew up in (his parents are loaded), and remembered my oft-quoted unwed mothers statistics. I don’t even ask black guys IF they have kids, I ask them HOW MANY kids they have. The white guy just couldn’t relate to that. And come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I met a young (under 40), white, single guy that had a kid.  They get two points for that.

There’s also the issue of racist people who will stare at you, make comments, etc. when they see a swirly couple. I had to go off on a group of black male teenagers last year for making rude comments as my white male friend and I walked down the street. Then there was the white girl spewing racial slurs when I was on a first date with a cute, sweet white guy. I started yelling and he tried to calm the situation. I was furious and humiliated and needless to say there was no second date.

Then there’s the numerous times a white guy has reached out to touch my hair (being too affectionate too early), and I have to explain why that’s a no-no.

Then there’s the irrelevant references to hip-hop artists (usually Jay-Z or Diddy) or random recitation of 80s/early 90s hip-hop knowledge or telling me about their black friend Jamal, so that they can impress me or so I’ll think they’re cool or so I know they aren’t racist(?) I don’t get it.

I could go on and on about the racial issues…

They don’t expect it to go anywhere

And neither do I. There is no pressure to have an emotional connection. There is no late night texting or phone calls just to chat. It’s strictly: “Hey, do you want to go to the game this weekend?” and me saying “Sure!” Then we go to the game, have a fun time, maybe go somewhere afterwards, and go home. It’s dating in the most relaxed sense of the word. No physical contact beyond a kiss or maybe close dancing. I did have one white friend who I started dating, and that was more of a fwb situation.  Other than him, these dates haven’t gone far. Not ruling it out, but ijs.

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