Blacks in the woods

One recycled plot in sitcoms is the group staying in a cabin in the woods or somehow being in the wilderness. Sometimes there’s an avalanche, other times there’s a villain that holds them hostage or tries to rob them… anything that adds conflict and drama to the situation. Oftentimes they decide to go into the wilderness in the dead of winter, which is nonsensical, and something that blacks simply do not do. Then they end up running out of food or heat, are cut off from civilization, and someone exclaims “I don’t want to die!” Despite the ridiculousness, I do remember chuckling at some hilarious moments in these episodes, and will probably watch them again the next time they are on TV One.

 

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air
Fresh Prince of Bel-Air

Fresh Prince of Bel-Air: “Boyz In The Woods”

Synopsis: Uncle Phil (R.I.P.) decides to take Carlton and Will camping. They end up getting lost, and have no camping equipment or supplies because Will secured the equipment to the wrong car. The car phone has no signal. Carlton and Will panic (“I don’t want to die!”). They end up on foot and come across a cave and a duffel bag full of money (part of some radio station scavenger hunt). They burn most of it, Will puts some in his pants.

Funniest scene:

Carlton (distraught and delirious): “For a long time it gave me nightmares having to witness an injustice like that. It was a constant reminder of how unfair this world can be. I can still hear them taunting him: ‘Silly rabbit, Trix are for kids.’ How come they just couldn’t give him some cereal?”

 

The Wayans Bros.
The Wayans Bros.

The Wayans Bros.: “Boyz In The Woods” (yes, again)

Synopsis: Pops misses hanging out with the boys, and wants to take them camping like he did when they were young. After trying to get out of it, Marlon and Shawn reluctantly go. Marlon ends up inviting Dupree, T.C., and a few girls, and Pops’ feelings are hurt. Pops leaves the cabin in the middle of a snowstorm, and Shawn and Marlon go to find him. The three of them are in a cave when an avalanche occurs, trapping them. Marlon and Pops: “We’re going to die!” Spoiler: They don’t die.

Funniest scene: Pops’ facial expression after Marlon slaps him. You can tell he wants to break character and crack up laughing.

 

Living Single
Living Single

Living Single: “Kiss of the Spider Man”

Synopsis: There have actually been a few “Living Single” episodes where one or more characters go to a cabin or into the wilderness. In this ridiculous story, Max defends an environmentalist/accused murderer (played by Giancarlo Esposito), and ends up falling for him. He owns poisonous spiders, and suspicion is renewed when it is found that the deceased was killed by a poisonous spider. The clan goes to Esposito’s cabin to save Max, and it is revealed that his assistant is really the murderer.

Funniest scene: When the assistant emerges from the bathroom armed, Regine yells “Gun!” and falls to the floor. She doesn’t get up. In a reunion special, she said that she just didn’t feel like being in the scene anymore. Hilarious.

 

The Jamie Foxx Show
The Jamie Foxx Show

The Jamie Foxx Show: “Uncle Junior’s Cabin”

Synopsis: Since the employees are stressed out, Uncle Junior and Aunt Helen offer them a weekend getaway at their friend’s cabin (?). After saying they don’t want to go because they want private vacations, it ends up being Jamie, Fancy, Silas, Braxton, Cameron, Junior, and Helen in the cabin. They get snowed in, the bridge is out, they have no food, heat, or supplies, and Jamie (the only one with a cell phone??) forgot to charge his cell.

Funniest line:

Jamie: “Braxton, why don’t you get that breath kicked up and jump start the fire?”

 

Martin
Martin

Martin: “The Cabin Show”

Synopsis: There were a few “Martin” episodes where they were in a cabin or ski lodge or in the wilderness. This time, Pam, Gina, Martin, and Tommy stay in a cabin, and take a hike through the woods. Pam sprains her ankle, Martin volunteers to take her back to the cabin (so he can watch the Pistons game), and they get lost. Pam and Martin exchange jokes about her winter fur and bad breath, and his big ears and short stature. We all know the jokes.

Funniest line:

Martin: “You know when I said your breath smelled like old bus seats?”

 

What shows did I forget?

10 Ghetto meals

I’ve been there a hundred times if I’ve been there once.  Hungry, broke, and have a bunch of random ingredients in the house.  The goal is to make something that tastes decent (which it will because you’re starving), and is somewhat filling.  Some of these recipes may be familiar to you, some will be new.  Give them a try (if you dare) and let me know what ghetto meals you have made!

  1. Bootleg breakfast taco
    Ingredients: eggs, cheese (optional), soft or hard taco shell, BBQ sauce (or ketchup or taco sauce)
    You scramble the eggs w/ cheese and put it inside the taco, adding BBQ sauce for flavor.  I am eating a bootleg breakfast taco as I type.  And the taco shell is stale :/
  2. Rice cereal
    Ingredients: white rice, milk, sugar, butter
    Cook the rice.  While still hot, add sugar and butter to taste.  Add milk as if you just made a bowl of cereal (because you just did).
  3. Pasta with chopped up hot dogs
    Ingredients: pasta, hot dogs, pasta sauce if you have some
    This is a ghetto alternative if you don’t have any chicken, ground beef, shrimp, or other meat in the house that you would normally add to your pasta.  Cook your pasta and hot dogs separately.  Chop up the hot dogs and add to the pasta.  Extra ghetto points if you’re using Ramen noodles.  You can also put a can of tuna fish in there instead of hot dogs.
  4. Snickerdoodles
    Ingredients: 1 cup butter, 1 1/2 cups sugar and 3 tblsp. of sugar (keep separate), 2 eggs, 2 3/4 cups flour, 2 tsp. cream of tartar, 1 tsp. baking soda, 1/4 tsp salt, 3 tsp. cinnamon
    The full recipe is available on Food.com.  I have routinely left out the cream of tartar and the baking soda, and the cookies came out just fine.  No matter how empty the fridge and cabinets are, I usually seem to have butter, sugar, eggs, flour, salt, sugar, and cinnamon.  So why not make some cookies?  Not the most nutritious dinner, but none of these recipes really are!
  5. Cheese and sauce
    Ingredients: shredded cheddar cheese, pasta sauce
    My brother used to make this.  You simply put sauce on a plate (not a paper plate), and sprinkle cheese on top.  Microwave until the cheese melts.
  6. Crouton delish
    Ingredients: croutons (preferably seasoned), pasta sauce, cheese (shredded or sliced)
    You notice how many of these recipes involve cheese and sauce?  Lol.  One of my favorite food combinations.  You put the croutons in a bowl, cover them with pasta sauce, and put the cheese on top.  Microwave until the cheese melts.  Mmmmm.
  7. Biscuit sandwiches
    Ingredients: Bisquick, milk, anything else you can find in the fridge
    The possibilities are endless.  Make some biscuits using the Bisquick and milk, cut the biscuits in half, and put anything in between.  I like them with syrup or jelly, or my favorite combination– cheese and sauce.  Can put any type of meat in there too.  Things get creative when you’re hungry.
  8. Doritos and salsa
    Just pop open the bag of chips and jar of salsa, and scoop away.  More of a ghetto snack than ghetto meal.
  9. Boxed mac n cheese w/ hot dogs
    Cook mac n cheese and hot dogs separately.  Chop up hot dogs and mix in.  You can also put a can of tuna fish in there instead.
  10. Ghetto fried rice
    Ingredients: white rice, onion, soy sauce
    Cook the white rice, add chopped onion and soy sauce.  If you’re feeling fancy, you can add veggies.

Ghetto meal tips:

-When I have pasta but no sauce, I usually mix BBQ sauce and ketchup, and sometimes a bit of calamari sauce.  Salad dressing also works.

-I try to add some type of starch to get and stay more full.  Hence the use of croutons, taco shells, pasta, etc.

-You can use Saltine crackers instead of tortilla chips and make ghetto nachos.

-Cat food tastes gross.

The second wife

First wives have a lot of pressure.  Pressure to be superwoman, pressure to have kids, pressure to hold the marriage together when you really can’t stand each other anymore.  After all, marriage is supposed to be forever…

Well… the two of you realize that you can’t stay together just for the kids, you hate being around each other, and you decide to throw in the towel.  Maybe the divorce is messy, maybe you keep it civil, maybe the kids aren’t too damaged.  Either way, he’s glad it’s over and he’s back on the block.  That’s where I come in 🙂

You can’t remember the last time you had so much fun or were so happy.  You feel reborn!  Haha!  I have this guy who I used to date years and years ago.  He’s married and divorced now and has a daughter that’s 23.  He’s 53.  He’s fantasizing about me being his second wife, and I can see why.  His first wife was his age, dull, and suffocating.  I’m exciting, 20+ years younger than him, and you can have all the space you want cuz I need space too.  And I can still talk to him about the educational system and politics (his interests), and be completely comfortable around his executive friends.   We also have a lot in common as far as our personalities and the way we view the world.  (I have no interest in settling down with him, btw).

Then there’s this guy I’m friends with who is separated from his wife, living in different states.  She’s not dull but older, and doesn’t share his interests.  His interests being 19-year olds, drugs, and clubbing (smh).  He’s not looking to get married again any time soon (hasn’t divorced the first wife yet), but he wants his next wife to be someone he can share girls with.  An open marriage, or at least swinger/threesome-friendly.  I’m sure he’ll find a girl more than happy to oblige, because he’s loaded.

On the second marriage, a man goes after the type of woman he realizes he really wants.  Maybe she’s younger, has a similar personality to his, and is adventurous.  Or maybe she’s submissive and is ok with the affairs.  Or maybe she’s super hot and doesn’t speak English.  Whatever tickles his fancy, he’s gonna make sure he gets it the second time around.

Some great generalizations about divorced men:

  • They take life less seriously.  One day at a time, live for the moment, carpe diem type of attitudes.  This means traveling, adventure, and less petty arguing (minor irritations don’t bother them as much).  This can also mean that they don’t really want to get married again and have to deal with female drama.
  • They see their flaws.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and are better at communicating them.  Marriage is like emotional boot camp for a lot of men.  Take the fake marriage I’m currently in: When we used to argue, he would ignore me, not admit guilt, and let it fester for days.  Now, we argue, he’s mad for a few hours, then we talk it out and apologize.
  • They know women.  Similar to the way that older men in general know women, know how to treat women, and understand that sometimes she’s going to be hormonal, irrational, emotional, etc. because he has spent years living in the same house with a woman.

I could definitely do the step-mom thing.  Most of the divorced guys I meet have kids around 7 years old.  I skip out on the 4 a.m. feedings, potty training, and the terrible two’s (sorry, first wife).  The kids are just around weekends (maybe) and school breaks.  During that period we could do fun things, hang out, build a friendship.  Hopefully the kids are well-trained and not complete brats, but who knows.  By the time they become rebellious teenagers, hopefully we already have a good relationship and can survive those years.

Potential problem: The kids are complete jerks and the father doesn’t want you disciplining them.

Potential problem: The first wife is Satan’s daughter or psychotic or keeps the kids from their father or damages property or otherwise makes life difficult for you.

Potential problem: Divorced man is a single father, raises the kids full-time.  Does he expect me to be a step-mom and a housewife?  Hmmm.

Potential problem: The second wife starts having kids, and turns into a different person.  She’s not as fun or submissive.  Now she’s irritating and mouthy like the first wife!  Oh no!  LOL… keep that divorce attorney on deck.

Black child stars who turned out sexy!

This post is inspired by Jeffery Wood’s cute self.  He played the little brother, Austin, on the TV show “In The House.”

Pick-up lines

Just thought I’d share some of the more interesting pick-up lines that guys have said to me over the years!  ALL OF THESE LINES/STORIES ARE TRUE!!

  • Guy: You dropped something…
    (I look down and around the floor)
    Guy: …your smile.
    (I start smiling)
    Guy: There it is.  It landed on your face.
  • What’s up, dark skin?
  • You’re kind of pretty.
  • We look like we belong together.
  • (Bouncer approaches me while I’m sitting at a bar)
    Bouncer: Someone’s messing with your car.
    (I go outside to my car.  No one is near it.)
    Bouncer: I just wanted to get you outside.  Can I holla at you?
    Me: What??  No.
    Bouncer: F*** you, b****.
    Me: What??  (I immediately call my boyfriend at the time…)
  • You’re beautiful, sexy, and pretty.  Where the strippers at?
  • I don’t normally like black girls but…
  • I don’t normally like dark-skinned girls but…
  • You look beautiful, mama.  Don’t worry.
    (What?  Why would I be worried?)
  • I love your smile.  Are those your real teeth?

I’m sure there will be a Part 2 coming eventually, lol.

Disturbing summer flicks

Recently on “Party Time With Brownie,” I discussed the television show “Devious Maids” and why it is horrible for so many reasons.   As the discussion carried over to Twitter, I commented that Hollywood must be lacking new ideas.  One of my followers countered that they are complacent.  I would call it lazy.  Laziness must also have been the driving force behind this year’s summer releases.

There’s a disturbing trend that is irritating me as a movie lover.  It involves pairing an older, talented, even Oscar-winning actor, with a younger, mediocre or poor actor whom white women find tantalizing.  On top of this glaring talent mismatch, the actors are cast in corny action-comedy flicks with nonsensical plots.

2 Guns
2 Guns

Case in point: 2 Guns (release date 8/2/2013) starring Academy Award winner Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg (who should get an award for having the best agent).  I am a Denzel Washington fan, so it pains me to see him in a trailer for a movie that makes me roll my eyes.  Wahlberg has one facial expression.  Family Guy described it as “annoyed and confused.”  I think it’s more “shocked and confused.”  Any of us can do it.  Raise your eyebrows, widen your eyes, and open your mouth slightly as if you are shocked.  Then furrow your brow and squint your eyes as if you are confused.  Congratulations, you just graduated from the Mark Wahlberg School of Acting.

In 2 Guns, Denzel is a DEA agent and Mark is a Naval Intelligence Officer.  They are undercover partners but neither one knows that the other is undercover.  Mmmkay.  They realize they’ve been set up, they can’t trust their respective agencies, the Mexican drug cartel is after them, cars explode, they still don’t really trust each other, they get into petty arguments at the most inopportune times—you know the story.  The only good thing about this movie is that Mark Wahlberg’s acting may improve after spending so much time around Denzel.

RIPD
RIPD

Case in point #2: R.I.P.D. (release date 7/19/2013) starring Academy Award winner Jeff Bridges, and People Magazine’s 2010 “Sexiest Man Alive” winner, Ryan Reynolds.  The trailer for this movie is absolutely ridiculous.  Ryan is a cop who gets killed and recruited into the Rest In Peace Department (R.I.P.D.)– a supernatural police force that protects the living and captures fugitive souls.  0_o
The incredibly talented Jeff Bridges lost a bet and signed on to play Rooster Cogburn the veteran R.I.P.D. cop who shows Ryan the ropes.  Very Men In Black-ish but with worse CGI effects and without Will Smith’s charm.  I understand this is a comic book adaptation, but some ideas should just stay ideas.  In my opinion, this role is beneath Jeff Bridges.  It is like Daniel Day Lewis playing Deuce Bigalow.

White House Down
White House Down

Case in point #3: White House Down (release date 6/28/2013) starring Academy Award winner Jamie Foxx, and People Magazine’s 2012 “Sexiest Man Alive” winner, Channing Tatum.  Reminiscent of Olympus Has Fallen, the movie is a “protect the President, protect the White House” action film with the added mission of Capitol policeman Channing Tatum also trying to protect his daughter.  People get shot and things explode and Tatum saves the day, the country, the President, and the (little) girl.  The movie wouldn’t be so bad were it not for the overly simplistic dialogue, bad jokes, excessive CGI, and endless clichés.  But then again, that’s the whole movie.

Denzel, Jeff, and Jamie: I’m sure these summer action flicks have huge budgets for you and are fun to shoot.  I’m sure most actors (and some actresses too) want to blow stuff up and handle big guns.  I get it.  Hopefully you got it out of your system.  Now get back to work.

Job search

On average, I’ve been sending out about 40 resumes a month.  That doesn’t include sites where the application process is completely online.  A few thoughts I’ve had along the way:

I could be a cruise ship captain.  That would be fun.  Ohhh, you have to have marine experience.

Store Manager at Pizza Hut?  Ohhh, you have to have a car.  Assistant Store Manager?  Still need a car.  How disappointing.

Escort, stripper, sugar baby… No bueno.

Teach English to kids in China… No thanks.

Assistant Manager at Chuck E. Cheese?  I wouldn’t last a week.

Maybe I should get a real estate license.

Maybe I should complete an HVAC/plumbing/electrical apprenticeship.

Applied for four jobs with Sirius XM.  Three apps were rejected, the fourth status has said “Submitted” since 02/2013.  It’s been six months and still no word… I don’t deserve it?  (Eminem voice)

Next stop: Retail jobs.  One day, I’ll look back on all this and laugh.  Or smh.  Or cry.  0_o

Noel Ashman and Michael Bregman birthday party pics

Noel Ashman and Michael Bregman birthday party pics

These entertainment giants celebrated their birthdays at the sexy DL lounge (95 Delancey St.) last week.  At the event were Damon Dash (he was a jerk, as expected), DJ Stretch Armstrong (very nice and humble), Melle Mel (super cool and down-to-earth), Stephen Baldwin (*smile* check the pics of he and I), Thomas Fiore (cool), Luis Guzman (he was there for about 90 seconds), Dr. Georgina Rose (check my review of her last event here), and about a dozen other notable people.  It was definitely a memorable night 🙂  Pics courtesy of Cashin Design.

The upside of flakes

Pet peeve # 352: Flaky people.  People who say they will do something and they don’t do it.  They don’t call and cancel.  They don’t apologize and reschedule.  They don’t let you know in advance that it’s a no go.  They’re flakes.  I could give dozens of examples of people I chose to cut off (or more recently, simply untie) because they disrespected me and my time by being flaky. 

Well, there’s an upside to so many people being unreliable, disrespectful, and downright annoying: Keeps my circle small.  Less people asking for favors, hitting me up out of the blue (I should change my number soon), less people I have to keep in touch with, check in on, and listen to.  We Leos are known for our loyalty, and more flakes mean less people I have to be a friend to.  So in a way, I’m thankful for people that show me early on that they cannot be a friend to me.  I believe that this is just God removing these people from my life.  And there you have it: The upside of flakes.