Baby mama drama

The majority of the black men that I’ve dated have children. Their baby mamas have ranged from being indifferent, to downright evil. Rarely are they actually co-parenting. Sometimes it’s the father going the extra mile just to see their child, or dealing with jealousy and manipulation from a woman who may not even want him anymore. The issue comes, however, when HE doesn’t want HER anymore. The rejection, resentment, and bitterness can express itself in the pettiest of ways. So is it worth it for the third party (myself) to even try to make it work with the father?

I know a few people who refuse to date a person that has children. It’s a firm, no exceptions rule for them. I respect and understand the decision, but I know it eliminates too many black men for it to be an acceptable option for me. Part of it is the regularity with which I encounter the situation, to the point that it almost seems like an inevitability. Other parts of it are me giving more chances, and not wanting any regrets. It’s also my preference of stepmotherhood over motherhood or singlehood (Are these really the only options?). But the third-party road is not an easy one.

Finding someone who values you at least as much you value them is difficult enough. Falling in line behind children, his mother, and a baby mama (or two) is harder. It’s also unfortunate that some parents undermine or otherwise interrupt the relationship between the other parent and the child. As most single-parent homes are led by women, it is easier for the female to be the culprit here. This is especially the case when the father has moved on, and is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with her. We all know the adage about a woman scorned.

All of these issues compounded with the typical relationship stressors make for an exhausting situation. Everyone has baggage, but some have enough to fill a cargo plane. Regardless, you can still find someone who loves you enough to “help you unpack.” Blended families are becoming more and more common, and it is very possible to have a healthy relationship that is non-traditional. So, when weighing baby mama drama, compatibility, the future, and other factors, I’m left wondering the same question I ask in any other relationship: “Is it worth it?” Answer: TBD.

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“Who could ask for anything more?”

Shame on Eva Pigford Marcille.  I’m glad that you’re glad you’re going to be a single mom, but don’t act like other women shouldn’t be asking for (and wanting and expecting) more.  I can’t take any more glorified baby mamas, or in this case, a soon-to-be BM trying to glorify herself.  You’re getting couple tattoos (smh) and having a baby and have no ring so I can think of at least one thing you could be asking for.  Then again, she’s been with him less than a year and is already 5 months preggo so… 0_o.  As one commenter said: We promote famous unwed mothers, then complain about the not famous, low-income, single moms.  Here’s Eva’s pregnancy announcement:

www.bet.com/news/celebrities/2013/08/27/exclusive-eva-marcille-is-pregnant.html?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_term=BET Breaking News&utm_campaign=Breaking News – No Ad&cid=sailthru

Content to just be a baby momma?

Kim Porter
Kim Porter

I’m tired of seeing stories that read like this:

“Tyrone Jackson, small forward for the New York Knicks, married his longtime girlfriend, Aisha Smith, this weekend.  The couple has been together for ten years, and have three children.”

WHAAAAT?  Now, I’m sure many money-loving women would have babies with a millionaire just off of GP, but this foolishness happens with non-rich folks too.  Why would you have three kids with a dude that hasn’t married you?  Have you ever heard of condoms and other forms of birth control?  Basically, Tyrone and Aisha (not real people, made up names) started dating ten years ago, he has had numerous girlfriends/hookups/other bm’s since then, and maybe she dated other guys in between (hopefully didn’t have other random babies with these men too).  They kept having sex without protection for some odd reason, and she kept having his babies.  Why?

And why wait ten years for him to marry you?   Like my grandmother told me: You spend all that time grooming a man and you’re just getting him ready for the next girl.  And that will be the girl he meets and marries within a year.  Case in point: Lamar Odom’s bm who was with him for ten years and had three kids with him.  They were at one point engaged, but never married.  Then he meets Khloe and FOUR WEEKS later he’s married.  Honorable mention: Jocelyn Ebron who started dating Kobe when he was 17 and thought she was still dating Kobe when he proposed to Vanessa (after knowing her for SIX MONTHS).  BUT Jocelyn and Kobe were on different coasts and were young so I’ll give them a break for not pressing the relationship.  Still, shame on Kobe for letting her find out through the media that he was engaged to another woman.  Double shame on Kobe for not making Vanessa sign a prenup.  But I digress…

A few more celebrity examples: Kim Porter (a son and set of twins w/ Diddy along w/ a kid by Al B Sure), Tiny (a kid w/ an ex and two kids w/ T.I. before he married her), Savannah (two kids by Queen James, now engaged to him), Tiffney Cambridge (two kids by rapper The Game and perpetually engaged), and Monica (two kids w/ ex-bf Rocko, now pregnant with her husband’s baby [NBA player Shannon Brown]).

Now, it may seem like I’m putting all the blame on the women in these situations.  Yes, I do put most of the blame on them.  Ladies, it is your body.  It is your decision.  And 97% of the time, the child will be living with you, fed/clothed/cared for by you, and sucking up your time, money, energy, freedom, etc.  Realistically, who will have primary responsibility of raising the out-of-wedlock child?  The mother and maybe the grandmother.

There are white celebrity examples, but unwed births are pervasive in our community, not theirs.  Blacks are the ones w/ nearly 70% of kids born to unwed mothers, compared to whites at 26%, Hispanics at 43%, and Asians at 11% (U.S. Census Bureau, 2011).  Why?