Baby mama drama

The majority of the black men that I’ve dated have children. Their baby mamas have ranged from being indifferent, to downright evil. Rarely are they actually co-parenting. Sometimes it’s the father going the extra mile just to see their child, or dealing with jealousy and manipulation from a woman who may not even want him anymore. The issue comes, however, when HE doesn’t want HER anymore. The rejection, resentment, and bitterness can express itself in the pettiest of ways. So is it worth it for the third party (myself) to even try to make it work with the father?

I know a few people who refuse to date a person that has children. It’s a firm, no exceptions rule for them. I respect and understand the decision, but I know it eliminates too many black men for it to be an acceptable option for me. Part of it is the regularity with which I encounter the situation, to the point that it almost seems like an inevitability. Other parts of it are me giving more chances, and not wanting any regrets. It’s also my preference of stepmotherhood over motherhood or singlehood (Are these really the only options?). But the third-party road is not an easy one.

Finding someone who values you at least as much you value them is difficult enough. Falling in line behind children, his mother, and a baby mama (or two) is harder. It’s also unfortunate that some parents undermine or otherwise interrupt the relationship between the other parent and the child. As most single-parent homes are led by women, it is easier for the female to be the culprit here. This is especially the case when the father has moved on, and is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with her. We all know the adage about a woman scorned.

All of these issues compounded with the typical relationship stressors make for an exhausting situation. Everyone has baggage, but some have enough to fill a cargo plane. Regardless, you can still find someone who loves you enough to “help you unpack.” Blended families are becoming more and more common, and it is very possible to have a healthy relationship that is non-traditional. So, when weighing baby mama drama, compatibility, the future, and other factors, I’m left wondering the same question I ask in any other relationship: “Is it worth it?” Answer: TBD.

POF Adventures

Online dating was a second to last resort for me (last resort would be trying to find “love” on a reality show, lol). Dating prospects were few and far between, and the chances of actually finding someone worth my time seemed slimmer and slimmer. A couple of my friends had success online, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

I tried Plenty of Fish in September 2015 and almost immediately my inbox was full of men in New York, New Jersey, and beyond expressing interest in me. While hopeful, sifting through their profiles was exhausting. There is no way (that I know of) to check and respond to emails without appearing “online” to the rest of the users, so you never really dig yourself out of the backlog of messages. Also, the mobile app resulted in me appearing “online” all the time, so I quickly uninstalled it. Most men on the site, like men in real life, weren’t looking for a relationship. They wanted to date, hook up, or have a friend, but many were not seeking a commitment.

I was on for about a month before meeting a guy that I really liked. I didn’t deactivate my profile, but I stopped logging in while he and I were dating. When the relationship ended in February 2016, I hopped back on the site. This time around I met more guys interested in a relationship… but I really wasn’t attracted to them. Some were physically unattractive but had great personalities, and others were sexy but acted like jerks (again, just like real life).

I decided to try another site, but still refused to pay a membership fee. OKCupid was a site my coworkers had success on, so I created a profile and gave it a shot. It was more of the same regarding the number of messages I received, except if was 99 percent white men in my inbox. While I don’t mind dating outside my race, that certainly is not my preference. I gave my number to one guy on OKC, and we texted for a bit with no follow-through after planning a first date. I didn’t have interest in anyone else on the website, so I stopped logging in and went back to POF.

After a while, I started dating another guy exclusively enough to stop logging into POF again, and it took a while for me to get back in the game after he and I stopped talking. Online dating takes so much effort, and it doesn’t seem worth it sometimes. Whenever I was ready to throw in the towel, I asked myself, “Well, what are you doing to do now?” Meeting men organically wasn’t working, and time waits for no man. Besides, I had been on POF for less than a year, and with all the breaks I took, it was probably only five months of actual online dating. I needed to hang on a little bit longer. So I tried again. This time around, there were more quality men messaging me, and my hopes were lifted. I gave my number out to a couple of guys, and one seemed particularly interested. We began dating, and quickly decided to be exclusive. Yay!

I was hesitant to delete my POF account, but it was time. When I finally completed the exit survey and bid the site adieu, it was bittersweet. I was happy to be in a relationship, but also dreading starting from scratch if it doesn’t work out. Of course, starting from scratch would mean a lot more than just creating a new profile. But deleting the account was symbolic. My POF adventure has come to an end (for now, at least), and a new chapter has begun! Wish me luck 😉

Delayed article

This was supposed to be published in August but somehow it just saved as a draft (?) smh. Was supposed to be an update on what went on between June and August:


It has been two months since I’ve published a post (smh) but I promise I will be better. The craziness really kicked in when (Update #1) I started working full-time in May and was brought on on an on-going basis in June. Also picked up another side writing job, so it’s been extra cray. Not to mention that it’s the summer time and the events are constant and now it’s my birthday month (Leos stand up!) so of course I’m extra on the scene as of late.

On a more organized note, I finally brought myself to delegate some work and got one of my interviews transcribed for me (yeah!). I still need someone to organize my calendar and emails, but I’m not ready to turn all that over to someone yet. Baby steps.

I also find that I’m prioritizing my work better since moving to New Jersey (Update #2). There are increasingly less reasons for me to come into the city (Manhattan), and I really don’t party during the week like I used to. It helps that most of my girls are out of town right now… ain’t gone lie. And when I say most, I mean 99%. I’ve been traveling too but sheesh, these chicks bounce from New York for the whole summer. Guess we’ll turn up in September :/

Love life is still pretty nonexistent BUT I am going on more dates and have decided to try online dating as well when things slow down a bit (Update #3). When I say slow down I’m not sure what I really mean though. Things haven’t slowed down since around December or January 0_o. I think it’s more because I was A) focused on and stressed out about finding a job, and B) focused on and stressed out about finding my own place, that I was doing that stuff in my free time (on top of kicking it) instead of knocking out more work in my free time. I feel the weight lifting a bit, though.

Pray for me!

Dating white men

Most of you know that I grew up in a majority white neighborhood (at least it was at the time) in the suburbs, went to a white college, been in all-white workplaces (yes, plural), etc. I like white people and white people like me (most of the time, haha). BUT, when it comes to dating, I STRONGLY prefer black men. I’ve been on dates with several white guys over the years, a couple multi-racial guys, an Asian, a Hispanic… but for me, there is nothing like a black man (preferably chocolate).

Unfortunately, as I get older (and especially since moving to NY last year) I’m finding less and less black men that interest me or are interested in me. Increasingly, however, I’m socializing w/ whites and am getting more date requests from white men.  Out of boredom, curiosity, and (sometimes) actual interest, I go on dates with them, but have never had a white boyfriend. My aunt recently predicted that I will marry a white man. I guess time will tell. A few things I’ve noticed (generalizations of course):

White men like to be seen with you

I love getting out of the house, going to events, dressing up, and being social.  Nothing like a dude saying “Why don’t you/I just come over and we can watch Netflix” to turn me all the way off. Or when a guy wants to see me but has absolutely no idea what he wants to do or where he wants to go. Make a decision! Have you never planned a date?  I have NEVER had this problem with white men. If anything, I have had white men CONSTANTLY trying to take me to dinner, movies, plays, concerts, etc. and were bugging me incessantly. I’m a Leo and a female so of course the attention is nice, but I don’t want to see you every day.  They do get points for being attentive, being willing to spend money, and being willing to do things that are “outside the box.” I also find them to be very affectionate in public, and too affectionate too soon. No bueno.

Racial/cultural issues are guaranteed to come up on the date

Here’s where things get annoying, and is the number one reason that I am skeptical at my aunt’s prediction.

How about my most recent white guy date, where we started talking about conspiracies, which led me to bring up Malcolm X. This white guy did not know the historical and cultural significance of Malcolm X, had no idea why he should learn about Malcolm X, and had never been taught or sought out information on Malcolm X. I proceeded to give him a brief history lesson. At a bar. On our first date. He also had never heard of Marcus Garvey.  It’s kind of like trying to talk to a foreigner who doesn’t know American cultural references, vernacular, etc. You can teach them, but it causes you stop, reframe your thinking from conversational to educational, and proceed slowly so you don’t confuse them.

Another first date with a white guy where he randomly wanted to discuss why black people can say n**** but white people can’t. Really? I knew the date had taken a bad turn when he said “I’ve always wanted to ask this…”

Another first date with a white guy during which I made a comment about most people our age having at least one kid by now, and he had no idea what I was talking about. Claimed that none of the girls he meets have children. I was skeptical, then remembered what color his skin is and what tax bracket he grew up in (his parents are loaded), and remembered my oft-quoted unwed mothers statistics. I don’t even ask black guys IF they have kids, I ask them HOW MANY kids they have. The white guy just couldn’t relate to that. And come to think of it, I can’t remember the last time I met a young (under 40), white, single guy that had a kid.  They get two points for that.

There’s also the issue of racist people who will stare at you, make comments, etc. when they see a swirly couple. I had to go off on a group of black male teenagers last year for making rude comments as my white male friend and I walked down the street. Then there was the white girl spewing racial slurs when I was on a first date with a cute, sweet white guy. I started yelling and he tried to calm the situation. I was furious and humiliated and needless to say there was no second date.

Then there’s the numerous times a white guy has reached out to touch my hair (being too affectionate too early), and I have to explain why that’s a no-no.

Then there’s the irrelevant references to hip-hop artists (usually Jay-Z or Diddy) or random recitation of 80s/early 90s hip-hop knowledge or telling me about their black friend Jamal, so that they can impress me or so I’ll think they’re cool or so I know they aren’t racist(?) I don’t get it.

I could go on and on about the racial issues…

They don’t expect it to go anywhere

And neither do I. There is no pressure to have an emotional connection. There is no late night texting or phone calls just to chat. It’s strictly: “Hey, do you want to go to the game this weekend?” and me saying “Sure!” Then we go to the game, have a fun time, maybe go somewhere afterwards, and go home. It’s dating in the most relaxed sense of the word. No physical contact beyond a kiss or maybe close dancing. I did have one white friend who I started dating, and that was more of a fwb situation.  Other than him, these dates haven’t gone far. Not ruling it out, but ijs.

Pick-up lines

Just thought I’d share some of the more interesting pick-up lines that guys have said to me over the years!  ALL OF THESE LINES/STORIES ARE TRUE!!

  • Guy: You dropped something…
    (I look down and around the floor)
    Guy: …your smile.
    (I start smiling)
    Guy: There it is.  It landed on your face.
  • What’s up, dark skin?
  • You’re kind of pretty.
  • We look like we belong together.
  • (Bouncer approaches me while I’m sitting at a bar)
    Bouncer: Someone’s messing with your car.
    (I go outside to my car.  No one is near it.)
    Bouncer: I just wanted to get you outside.  Can I holla at you?
    Me: What??  No.
    Bouncer: F*** you, b****.
    Me: What??  (I immediately call my boyfriend at the time…)
  • You’re beautiful, sexy, and pretty.  Where the strippers at?
  • I don’t normally like black girls but…
  • I don’t normally like dark-skinned girls but…
  • You look beautiful, mama.  Don’t worry.
    (What?  Why would I be worried?)
  • I love your smile.  Are those your real teeth?

I’m sure there will be a Part 2 coming eventually, lol.

The Kim K prototype

This is something I touched on a couple weeks ago on “Party Time With Brownie“.  Somehow Kim Kardashian has become the physical standard of celebrity girlfriends/wives, and it isn’t just the boobs and the butt.  It’s the skin tone, hair, makeup, and clothing too.  Think I’m crazy?  Peep the slideshow.  Rumor has it that Vanessa Bryant had plastic surgery to look more like Kim and attempt to keep Kobe from straying again (good luck with that).  AND, Reggie Bush is so enamored with the Kim K prototype that he went and got him another Kim K after he dumped the first one.  Seriously, his baby mama and Kim K could be sisters.  HelloBeautiful also wrote about the Kim K phenomenon.  Here are some of the girls who are drinking the KK Kool-Aid.