Baby mama drama

The majority of the black men that I’ve dated have children. Their baby mamas have ranged from being indifferent, to downright evil. Rarely are they actually co-parenting. Sometimes it’s the father going the extra mile just to see their child, or dealing with jealousy and manipulation from a woman who may not even want him anymore. The issue comes, however, when HE doesn’t want HER anymore. The rejection, resentment, and bitterness can express itself in the pettiest of ways. So is it worth it for the third party (myself) to even try to make it work with the father?

I know a few people who refuse to date a person that has children. It’s a firm, no exceptions rule for them. I respect and understand the decision, but I know it eliminates too many black men for it to be an acceptable option for me. Part of it is the regularity with which I encounter the situation, to the point that it almost seems like an inevitability. Other parts of it are me giving more chances, and not wanting any regrets. It’s also my preference of stepmotherhood over motherhood or singlehood (Are these really the only options?). But the third-party road is not an easy one.

Finding someone who values you at least as much you value them is difficult enough. Falling in line behind children, his mother, and a baby mama (or two) is harder. It’s also unfortunate that some parents undermine or otherwise interrupt the relationship between the other parent and the child. As most single-parent homes are led by women, it is easier for the female to be the culprit here. This is especially the case when the father has moved on, and is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with her. We all know the adage about a woman scorned.

All of these issues compounded with the typical relationship stressors make for an exhausting situation. Everyone has baggage, but some have enough to fill a cargo plane. Regardless, you can still find someone who loves you enough to “help you unpack.” Blended families are becoming more and more common, and it is very possible to have a healthy relationship that is non-traditional. So, when weighing baby mama drama, compatibility, the future, and other factors, I’m left wondering the same question I ask in any other relationship: “Is it worth it?” Answer: TBD.

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The second wife

First wives have a lot of pressure.  Pressure to be superwoman, pressure to have kids, pressure to hold the marriage together when you really can’t stand each other anymore.  After all, marriage is supposed to be forever…

Well… the two of you realize that you can’t stay together just for the kids, you hate being around each other, and you decide to throw in the towel.  Maybe the divorce is messy, maybe you keep it civil, maybe the kids aren’t too damaged.  Either way, he’s glad it’s over and he’s back on the block.  That’s where I come in 🙂

You can’t remember the last time you had so much fun or were so happy.  You feel reborn!  Haha!  I have this guy who I used to date years and years ago.  He’s married and divorced now and has a daughter that’s 23.  He’s 53.  He’s fantasizing about me being his second wife, and I can see why.  His first wife was his age, dull, and suffocating.  I’m exciting, 20+ years younger than him, and you can have all the space you want cuz I need space too.  And I can still talk to him about the educational system and politics (his interests), and be completely comfortable around his executive friends.   We also have a lot in common as far as our personalities and the way we view the world.  (I have no interest in settling down with him, btw).

Then there’s this guy I’m friends with who is separated from his wife, living in different states.  She’s not dull but older, and doesn’t share his interests.  His interests being 19-year olds, drugs, and clubbing (smh).  He’s not looking to get married again any time soon (hasn’t divorced the first wife yet), but he wants his next wife to be someone he can share girls with.  An open marriage, or at least swinger/threesome-friendly.  I’m sure he’ll find a girl more than happy to oblige, because he’s loaded.

On the second marriage, a man goes after the type of woman he realizes he really wants.  Maybe she’s younger, has a similar personality to his, and is adventurous.  Or maybe she’s submissive and is ok with the affairs.  Or maybe she’s super hot and doesn’t speak English.  Whatever tickles his fancy, he’s gonna make sure he gets it the second time around.

Some great generalizations about divorced men:

  • They take life less seriously.  One day at a time, live for the moment, carpe diem type of attitudes.  This means traveling, adventure, and less petty arguing (minor irritations don’t bother them as much).  This can also mean that they don’t really want to get married again and have to deal with female drama.
  • They see their flaws.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and are better at communicating them.  Marriage is like emotional boot camp for a lot of men.  Take the fake marriage I’m currently in: When we used to argue, he would ignore me, not admit guilt, and let it fester for days.  Now, we argue, he’s mad for a few hours, then we talk it out and apologize.
  • They know women.  Similar to the way that older men in general know women, know how to treat women, and understand that sometimes she’s going to be hormonal, irrational, emotional, etc. because he has spent years living in the same house with a woman.

I could definitely do the step-mom thing.  Most of the divorced guys I meet have kids around 7 years old.  I skip out on the 4 a.m. feedings, potty training, and the terrible two’s (sorry, first wife).  The kids are just around weekends (maybe) and school breaks.  During that period we could do fun things, hang out, build a friendship.  Hopefully the kids are well-trained and not complete brats, but who knows.  By the time they become rebellious teenagers, hopefully we already have a good relationship and can survive those years.

Potential problem: The kids are complete jerks and the father doesn’t want you disciplining them.

Potential problem: The first wife is Satan’s daughter or psychotic or keeps the kids from their father or damages property or otherwise makes life difficult for you.

Potential problem: Divorced man is a single father, raises the kids full-time.  Does he expect me to be a step-mom and a housewife?  Hmmm.

Potential problem: The second wife starts having kids, and turns into a different person.  She’s not as fun or submissive.  Now she’s irritating and mouthy like the first wife!  Oh no!  LOL… keep that divorce attorney on deck.

Content to just be a baby momma?

Kim Porter
Kim Porter

I’m tired of seeing stories that read like this:

“Tyrone Jackson, small forward for the New York Knicks, married his longtime girlfriend, Aisha Smith, this weekend.  The couple has been together for ten years, and have three children.”

WHAAAAT?  Now, I’m sure many money-loving women would have babies with a millionaire just off of GP, but this foolishness happens with non-rich folks too.  Why would you have three kids with a dude that hasn’t married you?  Have you ever heard of condoms and other forms of birth control?  Basically, Tyrone and Aisha (not real people, made up names) started dating ten years ago, he has had numerous girlfriends/hookups/other bm’s since then, and maybe she dated other guys in between (hopefully didn’t have other random babies with these men too).  They kept having sex without protection for some odd reason, and she kept having his babies.  Why?

And why wait ten years for him to marry you?   Like my grandmother told me: You spend all that time grooming a man and you’re just getting him ready for the next girl.  And that will be the girl he meets and marries within a year.  Case in point: Lamar Odom’s bm who was with him for ten years and had three kids with him.  They were at one point engaged, but never married.  Then he meets Khloe and FOUR WEEKS later he’s married.  Honorable mention: Jocelyn Ebron who started dating Kobe when he was 17 and thought she was still dating Kobe when he proposed to Vanessa (after knowing her for SIX MONTHS).  BUT Jocelyn and Kobe were on different coasts and were young so I’ll give them a break for not pressing the relationship.  Still, shame on Kobe for letting her find out through the media that he was engaged to another woman.  Double shame on Kobe for not making Vanessa sign a prenup.  But I digress…

A few more celebrity examples: Kim Porter (a son and set of twins w/ Diddy along w/ a kid by Al B Sure), Tiny (a kid w/ an ex and two kids w/ T.I. before he married her), Savannah (two kids by Queen James, now engaged to him), Tiffney Cambridge (two kids by rapper The Game and perpetually engaged), and Monica (two kids w/ ex-bf Rocko, now pregnant with her husband’s baby [NBA player Shannon Brown]).

Now, it may seem like I’m putting all the blame on the women in these situations.  Yes, I do put most of the blame on them.  Ladies, it is your body.  It is your decision.  And 97% of the time, the child will be living with you, fed/clothed/cared for by you, and sucking up your time, money, energy, freedom, etc.  Realistically, who will have primary responsibility of raising the out-of-wedlock child?  The mother and maybe the grandmother.

There are white celebrity examples, but unwed births are pervasive in our community, not theirs.  Blacks are the ones w/ nearly 70% of kids born to unwed mothers, compared to whites at 26%, Hispanics at 43%, and Asians at 11% (U.S. Census Bureau, 2011).  Why?