A Woman’s Work?

A few weeks ago I added another side job to my list of side jobs. I am now a background actress aka a paid extra, and worked on my fourth production today. I didn’t get much sleep last night (usual insomnia stuff), and was on set for 8 hours 😦  When I got home I had to do some work for this video metadata writing project I signed up for (another side job), and that took me nearly three hours. So now it’s after midnight, and I’ve finally got a break. I go into the living room, and my fake husband goes into his bedroom. Here’s where things get hairy.

Part of me wants to take a picture of this foolishness. The following is a true account of the mess he left behind (yes, I am actually making a bulleted list):

  • On the coffee table: His underwear, socks, two drinking glasses, two empty cans of beer, and balled-up paper towel pieces
  • On the couch: His bath towel
  • On the butcher’s block: His shirt, empty bottle of seltzer water, balled-up receipts, balled-up paper towel pieces
  • On the cutting board: Empty can of Red Bull, a dirty butcher knife (the sink is RIGHT THERE!!), more balled-up paper towel pieces
  • On the floor: Random scraps of paper (?)
  • In the hallway: Two pairs of shoes. Strewn.

I’m not done, but the rest of the mess I am used to. Our place is way too small for that much crap! What the heck? Guess this is what you do when you know someone is going to pick up after you. So I did what a fake housewife does: Nagged a bit about the mess (his response: “That doesn’t sound like me.” What??), and then cleaned it up. Imagine if I actually had romantic feelings for the guy! 🙂

The second wife

First wives have a lot of pressure.  Pressure to be superwoman, pressure to have kids, pressure to hold the marriage together when you really can’t stand each other anymore.  After all, marriage is supposed to be forever…

Well… the two of you realize that you can’t stay together just for the kids, you hate being around each other, and you decide to throw in the towel.  Maybe the divorce is messy, maybe you keep it civil, maybe the kids aren’t too damaged.  Either way, he’s glad it’s over and he’s back on the block.  That’s where I come in 🙂

You can’t remember the last time you had so much fun or were so happy.  You feel reborn!  Haha!  I have this guy who I used to date years and years ago.  He’s married and divorced now and has a daughter that’s 23.  He’s 53.  He’s fantasizing about me being his second wife, and I can see why.  His first wife was his age, dull, and suffocating.  I’m exciting, 20+ years younger than him, and you can have all the space you want cuz I need space too.  And I can still talk to him about the educational system and politics (his interests), and be completely comfortable around his executive friends.   We also have a lot in common as far as our personalities and the way we view the world.  (I have no interest in settling down with him, btw).

Then there’s this guy I’m friends with who is separated from his wife, living in different states.  She’s not dull but older, and doesn’t share his interests.  His interests being 19-year olds, drugs, and clubbing (smh).  He’s not looking to get married again any time soon (hasn’t divorced the first wife yet), but he wants his next wife to be someone he can share girls with.  An open marriage, or at least swinger/threesome-friendly.  I’m sure he’ll find a girl more than happy to oblige, because he’s loaded.

On the second marriage, a man goes after the type of woman he realizes he really wants.  Maybe she’s younger, has a similar personality to his, and is adventurous.  Or maybe she’s submissive and is ok with the affairs.  Or maybe she’s super hot and doesn’t speak English.  Whatever tickles his fancy, he’s gonna make sure he gets it the second time around.

Some great generalizations about divorced men:

  • They take life less seriously.  One day at a time, live for the moment, carpe diem type of attitudes.  This means traveling, adventure, and less petty arguing (minor irritations don’t bother them as much).  This can also mean that they don’t really want to get married again and have to deal with female drama.
  • They see their flaws.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and are better at communicating them.  Marriage is like emotional boot camp for a lot of men.  Take the fake marriage I’m currently in: When we used to argue, he would ignore me, not admit guilt, and let it fester for days.  Now, we argue, he’s mad for a few hours, then we talk it out and apologize.
  • They know women.  Similar to the way that older men in general know women, know how to treat women, and understand that sometimes she’s going to be hormonal, irrational, emotional, etc. because he has spent years living in the same house with a woman.

I could definitely do the step-mom thing.  Most of the divorced guys I meet have kids around 7 years old.  I skip out on the 4 a.m. feedings, potty training, and the terrible two’s (sorry, first wife).  The kids are just around weekends (maybe) and school breaks.  During that period we could do fun things, hang out, build a friendship.  Hopefully the kids are well-trained and not complete brats, but who knows.  By the time they become rebellious teenagers, hopefully we already have a good relationship and can survive those years.

Potential problem: The kids are complete jerks and the father doesn’t want you disciplining them.

Potential problem: The first wife is Satan’s daughter or psychotic or keeps the kids from their father or damages property or otherwise makes life difficult for you.

Potential problem: Divorced man is a single father, raises the kids full-time.  Does he expect me to be a step-mom and a housewife?  Hmmm.

Potential problem: The second wife starts having kids, and turns into a different person.  She’s not as fun or submissive.  Now she’s irritating and mouthy like the first wife!  Oh no!  LOL… keep that divorce attorney on deck.

Fake Housewife

I have a male roommate who works a 9 to 5.  I am self-employed/sometimes part-time employed, meaning I am home a lot and have a flexible schedule.  Therefore I have taken on the domestic responsibilities: grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, picking up the dry cleaning, etc.  I used to think housewives were just women who lacked career ambition.  Then I envied them for not having to sit in a cubicle all day.  Now, I recognize that the housewife part is easy; it’s their kids that make life hard.  Being a housewife is cool when there are no kids involved.  I make sure my fake housewife duties are done or nearly done by the time he gets home from work, so it doesn’t seem like I’ve done nothing but watch LMN and surf the web all day (ha).  I give him space to watch his favorite TV shows, have friends over, or just spend time alone.  Not a bad setup we have.

But it feels like a bad marriage sometimes.  There is no sex, love, or affection.  We also argue like a couple, get on each other’s nerves, and sometimes ignore each other for days.  And like a bad marriage, you consider getting out.  Sometimes I feel like I’m walking on pins and needles around him, not wanting to rock the boat and get thrown out on the streets.  Money = Power, and the Leo in me is having a hard time accepting my submissive position.  BUT, he believes in my entertainment dreams, and gives me the freedom to pursue them.  After I hit the Mega Millions jackpot, I will frolic about, doing as I please, without the burden of a 9-5 or the subjugation of fake housewifery.  Please leave a comment with the winning numbers 🙂

A guy I’m seeing told me I’d make a great wife.  That felt good.  Being a fake housewife has increased my patience, decreased my fear of commitment, gotten me more used to the gross and annoying things that men do (not cleaning up after themselves, farting, being inconsiderate, etc.), and yes, I feel more a little more prepared for an eventual (I hope) walk down the aisle.  Not sure how much longer this arrangement will last, but I’m happy to have the experience.  Shout out to my roomie 🙂