POF Adventures

Online dating was a second to last resort for me (last resort would be trying to find “love” on a reality show, lol). Dating prospects were few and far between, and the chances of actually finding someone worth my time seemed slimmer and slimmer. A couple of my friends had success online, and I figured I had nothing to lose.

I tried Plenty of Fish in September 2015 and almost immediately my inbox was full of men in New York, New Jersey, and beyond expressing interest in me. While hopeful, sifting through their profiles was exhausting. There is no way (that I know of) to check and respond to emails without appearing “online” to the rest of the users, so you never really dig yourself out of the backlog of messages. Also, the mobile app resulted in me appearing “online” all the time, so I quickly uninstalled it. Most men on the site, like men in real life, weren’t looking for a relationship. They wanted to date, hook up, or have a friend, but many were not seeking a commitment.

I was on for about a month before meeting a guy that I really liked. I didn’t deactivate my profile, but I stopped logging in while he and I were dating. When the relationship ended in February 2016, I hopped back on the site. This time around I met more guys interested in a relationship… but I really wasn’t attracted to them. Some were physically unattractive but had great personalities, and others were sexy but acted like jerks (again, just like real life).

I decided to try another site, but still refused to pay a membership fee. OKCupid was a site my coworkers had success on, so I created a profile and gave it a shot. It was more of the same regarding the number of messages I received, except if was 99 percent white men in my inbox. While I don’t mind dating outside my race, that certainly is not my preference. I gave my number to one guy on OKC, and we texted for a bit with no follow-through after planning a first date. I didn’t have interest in anyone else on the website, so I stopped logging in and went back to POF.

After a while, I started dating another guy exclusively enough to stop logging into POF again, and it took a while for me to get back in the game after he and I stopped talking. Online dating takes so much effort, and it doesn’t seem worth it sometimes. Whenever I was ready to throw in the towel, I asked myself, “Well, what are you doing to do now?” Meeting men organically wasn’t working, and time waits for no man. Besides, I had been on POF for less than a year, and with all the breaks I took, it was probably only five months of actual online dating. I needed to hang on a little bit longer. So I tried again. This time around, there were more quality men messaging me, and my hopes were lifted. I gave my number out to a couple of guys, and one seemed particularly interested. We began dating, and quickly decided to be exclusive. Yay!

I was hesitant to delete my POF account, but it was time. When I finally completed the exit survey and bid the site adieu, it was bittersweet. I was happy to be in a relationship, but also dreading starting from scratch if it doesn’t work out. Of course, starting from scratch would mean a lot more than just creating a new profile. But deleting the account was symbolic. My POF adventure has come to an end (for now, at least), and a new chapter has begun! Wish me luck 😉

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The second wife

First wives have a lot of pressure.  Pressure to be superwoman, pressure to have kids, pressure to hold the marriage together when you really can’t stand each other anymore.  After all, marriage is supposed to be forever…

Well… the two of you realize that you can’t stay together just for the kids, you hate being around each other, and you decide to throw in the towel.  Maybe the divorce is messy, maybe you keep it civil, maybe the kids aren’t too damaged.  Either way, he’s glad it’s over and he’s back on the block.  That’s where I come in 🙂

You can’t remember the last time you had so much fun or were so happy.  You feel reborn!  Haha!  I have this guy who I used to date years and years ago.  He’s married and divorced now and has a daughter that’s 23.  He’s 53.  He’s fantasizing about me being his second wife, and I can see why.  His first wife was his age, dull, and suffocating.  I’m exciting, 20+ years younger than him, and you can have all the space you want cuz I need space too.  And I can still talk to him about the educational system and politics (his interests), and be completely comfortable around his executive friends.   We also have a lot in common as far as our personalities and the way we view the world.  (I have no interest in settling down with him, btw).

Then there’s this guy I’m friends with who is separated from his wife, living in different states.  She’s not dull but older, and doesn’t share his interests.  His interests being 19-year olds, drugs, and clubbing (smh).  He’s not looking to get married again any time soon (hasn’t divorced the first wife yet), but he wants his next wife to be someone he can share girls with.  An open marriage, or at least swinger/threesome-friendly.  I’m sure he’ll find a girl more than happy to oblige, because he’s loaded.

On the second marriage, a man goes after the type of woman he realizes he really wants.  Maybe she’s younger, has a similar personality to his, and is adventurous.  Or maybe she’s submissive and is ok with the affairs.  Or maybe she’s super hot and doesn’t speak English.  Whatever tickles his fancy, he’s gonna make sure he gets it the second time around.

Some great generalizations about divorced men:

  • They take life less seriously.  One day at a time, live for the moment, carpe diem type of attitudes.  This means traveling, adventure, and less petty arguing (minor irritations don’t bother them as much).  This can also mean that they don’t really want to get married again and have to deal with female drama.
  • They see their flaws.  They know their strengths and weaknesses, and are better at communicating them.  Marriage is like emotional boot camp for a lot of men.  Take the fake marriage I’m currently in: When we used to argue, he would ignore me, not admit guilt, and let it fester for days.  Now, we argue, he’s mad for a few hours, then we talk it out and apologize.
  • They know women.  Similar to the way that older men in general know women, know how to treat women, and understand that sometimes she’s going to be hormonal, irrational, emotional, etc. because he has spent years living in the same house with a woman.

I could definitely do the step-mom thing.  Most of the divorced guys I meet have kids around 7 years old.  I skip out on the 4 a.m. feedings, potty training, and the terrible two’s (sorry, first wife).  The kids are just around weekends (maybe) and school breaks.  During that period we could do fun things, hang out, build a friendship.  Hopefully the kids are well-trained and not complete brats, but who knows.  By the time they become rebellious teenagers, hopefully we already have a good relationship and can survive those years.

Potential problem: The kids are complete jerks and the father doesn’t want you disciplining them.

Potential problem: The first wife is Satan’s daughter or psychotic or keeps the kids from their father or damages property or otherwise makes life difficult for you.

Potential problem: Divorced man is a single father, raises the kids full-time.  Does he expect me to be a step-mom and a housewife?  Hmmm.

Potential problem: The second wife starts having kids, and turns into a different person.  She’s not as fun or submissive.  Now she’s irritating and mouthy like the first wife!  Oh no!  LOL… keep that divorce attorney on deck.