The majority of the black men that I’ve dated have children. Their baby mamas have ranged from being indifferent, to downright evil. Rarely are they actually co-parenting. Sometimes it’s the father going the extra mile just to see their child, or dealing with jealousy and manipulation from a woman who may not even want him anymore. The issue comes, however, when HE doesn’t want HER anymore. The rejection, resentment, and bitterness can express itself in the pettiest of ways. So is it worth it for the third party (myself) to even try to make it work with the father?
I know a few people who refuse to date a person that has children. It’s a firm, no exceptions rule for them. I respect and understand the decision, but I know it eliminates too many black men for it to be an acceptable option for me. Part of it is the regularity with which I encounter the situation, to the point that it almost seems like an inevitability. Other parts of it are me giving more chances, and not wanting any regrets. It’s also my preference of step-motherhood over motherhood or singlehood (Are these really the only options?). But the third-party road is not an easy one.
Finding someone who values you at least as much you value them is difficult enough. Falling in line behind children, his mother, and a baby mama (or two) is harder. It’s also unfortunate that some parents undermine or otherwise interrupt the relationship between the other parent and the child. As most single-parent homes are led by women, it is easier for the female to be the culprit here. This is especially the case when the father has moved on, and is no longer interested in a romantic relationship with her. We all know the adage about a woman scorned.
All of these issues compounded with the typical relationship stressors make for an exhausting situation. Everyone has baggage, but some have enough to fill a cargo plane. Regardless, you can still find someone who loves you enough to “help you unpack.” Blended families are becoming more and more common, and it is very possible to have a healthy relationship that is non-traditional. So, when weighing baby mama drama, compatibility, the future, and other factors, I’m left wondering the same question I ask in any other relationship: “Is it worth it?” Answer: TBD.